Monday, February 17, 2014

My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

jesus-on-cross

For six solid years, my husband and I have been on the front lines of a full-on war with the enemy. If I listed everything we’ve gone through in six years, many people would wonder how we survived and lived to tell the story. And if I told you the story we just encountered over the last few weeks, it would take up several pages of heartache and disappointment.

Just recently we went through a series of assaults, one after another. We have seen very little rest or peace within the last several months. We found ourselves in a constant battle that never seems to end and our faith was on incredibly shaky ground. And that’s probably putting it lightly. Because for me…I was saying goodbye to God forever.

Valentine’s Day was my breaking point. I was already teetering on the edge and was praying desperately for God to let up and let me see His goodness. I prayed, “Please God, I need something to hope for. I need to see Your goodness because I’m losing hope and I’m losing faith. I’m so weak and heartbroken.” No sooner had I prayed this prayer when my husband walked in with more bad news—bad news that left us spiritually and financially bankrupt.

That was the night I said goodbye to God. I convinced myself that it would be so much easier if I just didn’t believe in this “God nonsence” anymore, because if I believed in God anymore, and had to listen to how He’s a “God of love” one more time, I’d have to believe that this God of love despises me! And then I had this thought: If I’m supposed to be in a relationship with God, then I must be in an abusive one, where God is my cruel and tyrannical husband who hates being married to me. These were the only things that made sense to me anymore, and I knew it would be easier for me to just not believe, as most atheists have come to do through their own disappointments and heartaches.

When I discussed this with Jared he said, “I’m beginning to feel like the only book in the Bible that makes any sense or could possibly be real is the Book of Job.”

That night I felt the Holy Spirit leave me, because I demanded to be left alone. And this sudden feeling of despair and darkness encircled me. My heart felt so heavy and cold. And while I was a tad scared about the choice I had made, I didn’t care…well, not until I began to envision my life without Jesus.

I began to see what kind of mother I’d be, what kind of wife I’d become, and what kind of human being I would deteriorate into. The outcome was not pretty. I could already feel myself losing interest in our son, dreading having to be a mother. I could see myself drinking and partying again, and possibly committing adultery. And then I saw myself simply not caring for anyone but myself ever again. My heart was crushed. But what hope did I have anymore?

Jesus was my only hope. And while it may not seem like much at the time, the consequences of giving up that hope were far worse than what we’re facing now. So I gave in and confessed my sin and tried to find hope again.

And then today while my husband and I were sitting in the doctor’s office, he said to me, “The Book of Job is real life. Forget all that other stuff. That’s what life is all about. And even Jesus cried out to God, ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?’” (Mark 15:34)

And then this light went off in my head: Even Jesus—the Son of God, the Savior of all Creation, our only hope and comfort in this world—at that very moment in time, hanging on the cross and bearing our sins, thought His God had forsaken Him.

He knew the Book of Joshua. I’m sure He knew the scripture, “I will never leave you nor forsake you…” And yet, Jesus, God in the flesh, the very Creator of the universe, felt alone and abandoned by God. And then Jared made a very interesting statement: “He didn’t call God His Father at that moment. He called Him, God. It was rare for Jesus not to call God His Father.”

My husband doesn’t fully know how often he ministers to my spirit, but this was one of those moments when peace swept over me and hope found a place back in my heart.

Jesus felt alone on that cross because He was utterly alone. Even God had turned His back on His Son…for a very short period of time. Jesus knows what it’s like to feel hopelessness, even when He knew full well what the outcome would be. But He had a moment. A moment in time when He felt the deepest loss of all—feeling forsaken by His God and separated from His Father. This moment is a defining moment for us, there on the cross where He hung, emptied, torn apart inside and out. It looked like the battle was over and the enemy had won—at least to those standing by on the sidelines. Where had their hope gone at that moment? Who would they now turn to in their times of need? What could they now look forward to? We know. The Bible tells us they were hiding out, afraid for their lives, unsure of what they would become or where they would go.

The night Jesus knew everything was coming to pass, He was scared. He felt alone. He begged for God to save Him from the upcoming misery He’d have to endure. He felt betrayed. He felt helpless, and even possibly hopeless. The God of Hope…feeling hopeless.

But it’s on the cross when He cries out loudly: “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” when we can honestly say Jesus knows our disappointment and pain. It’s that very moment in time where we can find our own hope being restored and renewed, and we know the battle is not lost, but instead we will come out on the other side in absolute victory! But we have to hang on…just as Christ did on the cross that day.

No Formulas

Yesterday we listened to a sermon on love. One of the things the pastor claimed was that if we’ve faced difficult times for a long period of time and we haven’t seen our prayers answered, it’s probably because we aren’t “loving enough.”

Jared and I instantly became heartbroken. We love beyond most other people we know. We live in a racial conflicted neighborhood where most of our neighbors don’t like us because we’re white, but instead of getting angry with them, we instead show them love whenever possible. When people have betrayed us or hurt us and they then found themselves in tough times, it was my husband and I who extended a loving, helpful hand when no one else would.

To tell believers these types of things can bring so much more disappointment than they are already experiencing! Again, Jared brought up Job and I found myself thinking about him and what he went through.

The reason Job was under such immense, intense attack was because he was a righteous man of God. He suffered a great deal of loss and he had no special formula that would get him out of it. In fact, it was his own friends who were trying to convince him that he must have done something wrong in order for God to inflict such horrific pain in his life. But who did God scold in the long run? Was it Job, who was angry and frustrated? Or was it Job’s friends who kept insisting that he “do” something to win God’s favor again?

After the Eternal had spoken these words to Job, He turned and spoke to Eliphaz from Teman. “My anger is burning against you and your two friends because you have not spoken rightly of Me, as My servant Job has” (Job 42:7 the Voice).

Job didn’t sit back and take what was happening to him as punishment for something he did wrong or some rule he couldn’t live up to, despite his friends accusations and advice. Instead, Job kept insisting that he was always in right standing before God and that he didn’t deserve his suffering. While God did put Job in his place, He didn’t deny Job’s quest to find the truth.

We know that God “allowed” those terrible things to happen to Job, but we also know why. God trusted Job enough to handle it. God knew Job could be trusted not to turn his back on Him. And God found him to be honorable.

[Job] was a very good man—his character spotless, his integrity unquestioned. In fact, he so believed in God that he sought to honor Him in all things (Job 1:1).

That’s it. Plain and simple. Job didn’t do something wrong, nor did he not do enough of something good. He was just a godly man of integrity and spotless character.

Job has always been one of the books in the Bible that I least liked, but it’s now becoming the book I need to turn to in terms of redefining my hope and reclaiming who I am in Christ.

God must trust me enough to handle all of this, and I now believe that God finds me to be honorable in His sight (thanks to Jesus!). And I will be like Job, demanding truth and justice for all of our suffering, praying endlessly that God will someday soon restore all that we have lost, too. His Word says He will, and I choose to believe that today.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Quitting God and How God Beckons Us Onward Instead

“Friends, don’t get me wrong: by no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus” (Philippians 3:14 MSG).

Have you ever tried to “quit” God? I have. Numerous times. Way many more times than I care to admit. But I have. I can empathize with the atheists’ anger towards God. It’s why I understand them so well.

Life never seems to go right for me and my family. It is a constant uphill battle that to me, simply feels like a losing struggle. I often find myself too weak to continue the fight. I just can’t.

A few years ago, the battle waged on for far too long. I had put my trust in God and at that moment, God didn’t show up. I was angry, to put it lightly. I had decided I was done with God. It was finally over between us. Well overdue. I packed all my Bibles, prayer journals, and Christian books into a pile and threw them into a dark, cold attic cabinet. I needed God to see that I meant business, and figured that should have shown Him.

stop talking to me GodBut guess what? I didn’t hear God’s wrath beckon me. Instead, I heard a loving voice beckoning me onward. Granted, at the time, I would stick my hands over my ears (and yes, I’m a mature woman with child-like tantrums) and yell at God, “Stop talking to me God! I’m not listening to you anymore.” But God never shut up. Not once did He stop beckoning me. Relentless love. That’s how King David once described God’s love.

This constant conversation with God continued for about a week until I finally realized God was not going to let me go…thankfully. E. Stanely Jones, in his devotional, Victorious Living, explained it best: “You conquer me with Your persistence” (pg. 24).

Just recently when I was telling this story to a very dear friend of mine who truly has her ear to the Lord’s lips,she  interrupted me with a laugh and declared, “God loves that you expect Him to be who He is.” Right as she said that, I felt the love of God embrace me. I had long forgiven God for this one incident, but now I was carrying a grudge of new gunk and turmoil on my shoulders, only this time I am continually reminded that walking away from God isn’t that simple when you truly know Him. Thankfully God never shuts up, shuts down, or shuts us out. Even when we throw infantile temper tantrums when we don’t get our way.

Have you been trying to quit God recently? Have you thrown away your hope and faith in exchange for bitterness and anger? Stop for a moment and just listen. It’s okay to be angry…even at God. He understands. But He will never, ever leave you, nor forsake you, even if you have separated yourself from Him. He can’t. It’s not who He is, and that’s not how His love works. Just expect instead, that God will be just who He promised He would be in your life.

“O God, I dare not close my heart to you. You conquer me with Your persistence. How glad I am to be found. Thank You. Amen” (E. Stanley Jones, Victorious Living).

Monday, November 25, 2013

The Innocence of a Four Year Old’s Panic Attack

He tore down the stairs, panicked! “WHERE’S DADDY?” Tavin cried. “He just left for work, sweetie,” I said. “NO! I DIDN’T GET TO GIVE HIM LOVIN’S OR SAY GOODBYE,” he burst into full blown anxiety.

I ran, full force up the stairs, grabbed my cell phone and dialed Jared’s cell. “Wherever you are, you need to turn around right now and come back home. Tavin is panicked that you left.” Jared said, “I’m turning around now.”

Fortunately he was only two minutes into his hour commute to work. As I headed back downstairs I noticed Tavin’s  blanket lying on our bed next to my pillow. He must have ran into our room from his nap, and frantically watch from our bedroom window, his daddy pull out of the driveway for work. In his four year old panic attack, he left the one thing he NEVER leaves behind: the comfort of his blankie.

SAM_0917I came back downstairs and told him daddy was coming back to tell him goodbye, so he waited patiently at the window in the dining room. When Jared pulled into the driveway Tavin jumped down and ran to the door. As Jared opened the door, the wind whipped snow around behind him, and the two most precious people in my life clung together for dear life. As Tavin’s head rested on Jared’s shoulder, he quietly sighed, “I love you, daddy.”

That’s all he needed. He just HAD to tell daddy he loved him. He was panicking because he didn’t get the opportunity he has every single day to tell his daddy goodbye with tons of love as he heads off to work. That really upset Tavin; this notion that he didn’t tell Jared, “I love you, daddy.” This one day—this rare moment in time—that he couldn’t give daddy lovin’s really hurt Tavin to the core. His tiny little panic attack was so innocent, real and raw.

How many of us don’t even bother showing our loved ones how much we love them for fear of being “innocent, real and raw”? We don’t want to open ourselves up to that kind of vulnerability. We don’t want anyone to see the soft side of who we are.

Because my husband works so far away, there are nights when he’s not home at his normal time (around 2 AM or so) that I begin to panic that I, too, didn’t give him the lovin’s he deserved. And the vision of my life without him sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. When I hear the car pull into the driveway, my heart stops pounding and I fall fast asleep promising to love this man with all my heart and not be so afraid to show him my love. But when the sun rises in the morning, I’m the same selfish, guarded woman I was before I went to bed.

I don’t know why or when we lose that innocence and become so cynical and hands-off. I just know that watching this tiny person give love so freely, often takes my breath away. He doesn’t even think about it. He just gives love without a care in the world, and he’ll give it to anyone willing to accept it…anyone!

When Jesus told his disciples that unless we were childlike we wouldn’t see the kingdom of Heaven, he wasn’t talking about simply being innocent. Jesus was telling us that we need to run into the arms of our Father without any thoughts of being fully and utterly exposed to our own vulnerability. He was telling us that we need to be fully dependent on our Heavenly Father, at all costs. Jesus wants us to love our Father so much, that if we were out of His presence for one second, we would be in a full blown panic attack.

My faith has been on shaky ground the past week. I have teetered on not being so vulnerable with God and putting up my guard against Him. And just in the knick of time, He shows me love beyond my wildest dreams, and I realized that without His love for me, I would be a lost child, aching for my Daddy.

Lord God, I would be lost without You. I never want to feel the anxiety of not having You with me at all times.

Fun in the Sun

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Fall Project Life 2013

So I’ve fallen behind on Project Life by nearly two months. I can’t seem to keep printer ink. I bought the new XL HP cartridges, hoping they would last longer…no such luck! In fact, they ran out much quicker than the regular ink. Never spending $60 again for ink!

It never fails. I’ll get ready to start working on Project Life and begin to print my photos, and WHAM! I’m out of ink. This happened a couple of weeks ago with my black ink. I found a great deal on Amazon for only $28 for a two pack. When it finally arrived, I pulled out the PL album and tried to print again. You guessed it. The yellow ink ran out. There went that plan.

Fall 2013 washi tape tree by Tristine Denise

While I was waiting for my ink to arrive in the mail, I made some journal cards. This one is using the tree cutout from the Graphically Speaking cartridge for Cricut, and then using snippets of washi tape.

good times project life by Tristine Denise

This is my first attempt at using veneer embellishments. I received them in the October Antiquary Project Life kit from Studio Calico.

lola's lounging by Tristine Denise

Trying to continue being creative for my new month pages.

October 2013 Project Life

A Fall day at the park with my sons…

 a Fall day Project Life by Tristine Denise

homemade leaf journal card by Tristine Denise

Fall day 3 by Tristine Denise

Fall day 2 by Tristine Denise

And this last page has to be one of my favorite pages I’ve done in a very long time!

Hello Fall Project Life by Tristine Denise

Hello Fall 2 by Tristine Denise

Hello Fall 3 by Tristine Denise

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Power of IF

never see me

 

Yesterday I found myself in a facebook thread where a man I didn’t know questioned my declarations about praying for our country. He retorted with a mocking comment, “If there is a God…” While I continued my conversation and shared scriptures that diminished his claims that God doesn’t care about our country or our leaders, afterwards I began to ponder his initial question that started it all. “If..”

What if there isn’t a God? That’s a very common question asked by many non-believers, and a good one at that! But an even better question non-believers should ask themselves is, “What if there IS a God?!”

I’m a firm believer that science solidifies God’s existence. I’ve seen and read evidence that proves the bible to be accurate and historically true. Yet many non-believers want to use this notion that we believe in fairytales. How can we believe in something we don’t see? And yet, these same naysayers believe in science fiction stories that are much more far fetched than an Almighty, omnipotent God—stories they too never saw or witnessed. Every evolution theory is just that: a theory. There is no solid evidence to verify their points, and even so, their stories change every few years. Their fact-finding proof is often debunked a few short years after their claims…by the very people who insisted it was an absolute, undeniable, undefeatable truth.

God’s story, however, never changes. God Himself does not change. In fact, we keep finding data and clues that testify the Bible can be held accountable as absolute fact. 

But let’s get back to the question at hand: What if there isn’t a God? I would challenge those who use this inquiry as their foundation to not believe to instead consider the consequences of not looking at this differently.

If there is no God, and you spent your entire life believing there is, when you die, what have you lost? What did you give up? If you chose to live for Christ, ministering to others and giving the gift of hope to the hopeless, what damage was done? They won’t know the difference once they’re dead and gone. All they would have had was a much better life of peace and freedom, instead of strife and turmoil. What would they have given up in turn? They would have given up the world’s views of who they were. They would have given up the notion that there was no meaning to this life at all, and instead found that their meaning went beyond themselves. They would have given up lifestyles that were demoralizing and detrimental to their well being. They would have given up destructive behaviors that would have diminished their families and crushed all their relationships.

Now when I say, “give up,” anyone who has given their life to Christ knows full well that we don’t need to “give up” anything, we just need to surrender to Him who will deliver us from those self-destructive choices. He instead fills us with His Holy Spirit who guides us to better choices and lifestyles that uplift instead of tear down. He offers us a life no longer full of regrets and disappointments, but of healing and redemption. He gives our pain and suffering meaning.

So the real questions non-believers should then ask is, “What if there IS a God? What if I have lived this life doubting because of this big IF, and when I die I find out God is absolutely real and I blew it?” How will you stand before God and justify your decisions when people have shared the truth with you and provided you with evidence?

weeping and gnashingWhat if there is life after death? You may not have lost much during your physical life on earth as a non-believer, but you will lose EVERYTHING in the glorious afterlife! It is literally a choice between Heaven and Hell. And despite how the world glamorizes hell, it won’t be a fun party place of sex, drugs and rock and roll, where all the cool people end up. No, it’s a place of darkness, torture and pure evil. Jesus tells us in Matthew 13:42, “[The Son of Man’s messengers] will throw all that wickedness into the fiery furnace where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” That doesn’t sound very fun to me.

In this lifetime is your only opportunity to choose Jesus, NOT afterwards. God won’t offer you a chance to believe Him once you see Him face to face. Jesus told his disciples after He had risen and revealed Himself alive again: “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are all those who never see Me and yet they still believe.” (John 20:29 NLT/the Voice).

There is power in the question, “If…”, but only if it’s the right “if” question. Challenge yourself not to ask, “What if there isn’t a God?”, and instead ponder, “What if there IS a God?”

God tells us that if we draw near to Him, He will in turn draw near to us. He also promises that if we seek Him with our whole heart, we will find Him (James 4:8 and Jeremiah 29:13). Those are promises that millions of people throughout countless generations have experienced firsthand. There’s a reason faith in Jesus Christ has carried on throughout the millenniums. It’s because so many people have literally been transformed and changed by His redeeming power simply by asking and believing.

What question will you ask today?

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Prayer Journals

I’m a huge fan of writing my prayers. I love to look back on all my requests at least once a month, and with a red pen I write next to prayers that were answered, and how God answered them.

I’m also into about a dozen books and Bible studies. I’m currently involved in the Proverbs 31 Ministries’, A Confident Heart, study. Last month I completed their “Yes to God” study (What Happens When Women Say Yes to God).

I’m also in the process of going through some aftercare from a deliverance I recently experienced. Since then, I’m paying much more attention to spiritual warfare and how to utilize the power of the Holy Spirit that has been given to me (Luke 10:19). So I’m reading several books by Kimberly Daniels (Spiritual Boot Camp and Prayers that Bring Changes) and John Echhardt (Prayers that Activate Blessings, Prayers that Move Mountains, and Daily Declarations for Spiritual Warfare), which are teaching me how to pray amazing prayers of life, faith, and victory. My journals are great places for me to write those kind of prayers, along with scriptures that are more specific to my needs.

A few months ago I started my first “homemade” prayer journal, using a very basic composition notebook with graphed paper.

SAM_3104

SAM_3105This was my first attempt at making something like this using a notebook, and I think it turned out pretty nifty!

I also used washi tape on the edge of the pages, which made the book more sturdy. And then I added various tabs on the side for each thing I was involved in. This was just the first one. I have since added about four more tabs.

 

Now that journal is nearly full I’m ready to start a new journal. So I put this one together today.

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Now I’m all set!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Project Life Greeting Cards

Why didn’t I think of this sooner?

I will admit I’m a bit of a Project Life journal card hoard. I can’t help myself, because I love to mix and match. They call that “eclectic,” or so I tell myself.

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Last week, while trying to find new cards to purchase (as if I needed more),I ran across an idea to use some of those cards in various ways, one of which was making greeting cards.

This is a very quick and easy way to crank out cards for when you need them at the last minute.

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I used mostly blank cards, or filler cards from the Webster Albums Made Easy collection by We R Memory Keepers.

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A few months ago when Cricut had a free digital cartridge with flowers (I can’t for the life of me remember what it was called) in the Craft Room, I had a whole bunch made with different papers, including vellum. I hadn’t used them for anything and decided to finally put them to good use. I also used some designs from the Essentials cartridge. The decorative brads are from My Mind’s Eye, Lost and Found 3 collection.

 

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Simple!