Robbed by the Common

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with fibroids—non cancerous tumors growing on my uterus wall. The ER doctor determined that an ablation would probably be done—a procedure removing the fibroids. But a follow up appointment with my OB/GYN determined that the fibroids were too large, there were too many, and my uterus was also enlarged, so the only (viable) option is a hysterectomy.

“You’ll feel so much better when it’s over.” “Best decision of my life!” “Oh, is that all? That’s so common. Most women go through that.” “I had one. It’s not that big of a deal.”

That’s all I’ve been hearing since I announced the results. Were those supposed to be words of encouragement? Because they felt like harsh slaps to my face.

If this is so “common” why I don’t I feel relieved, or excited? Why does it feel so uncommon to me? So unnatural? So unreal…

I’ve had a lot of time to think about these things, since my surgery isn’t for another month and I’ve been pretty much couch-ridden for three weeks. This is not my choosing. I will no longer have children, or the ability to do so. I didn’t get to make that decision; the decision was made for me.

When I had Tavin, he was an opportunity for me to redeem myself for the mess I created with my first son. It was a chance for me to be the kind of mother I had always wanted to be, and with the man I had waited my whole life to share that bond with.

But Tavin wasn’t the “joy” we had expected. We didn’t get much of an opportunity to enjoy being parents of this small little life we had created. No. Tavin had troubles from the day he was born and they never really have ended. We spent the majority of his first 18 months listening to him cry continuously. He very rarely slept, and we were ragged. We couldn’t take him anywhere because he cried excessively in the car, in the buggy, in the stroller, in the store, at someone’s house… So we stopped going places, stopped doing things, and our lives revolved around this excessive, nagging cry and the need to make it stop somehow.

Once the crying stopped, a new ailment afflicted Tavin. A stomach issue that not only had him crying, but screaming and writhing in constant pain for another year and a half. Then we spent most of our time in the ER, at the doctor, seeing specialists, having extensive tests done, and in the end never finding out what was wrong. We just lived on edge as Tavin sat immobile, unable to move, screaming in pain…as if crying wasn’t bad enough. We sat helplessly, hopelessly by, watching him suffer. And while our hearts broke, our nerves were destroyed by the constant groaning, crying, screaming, and never ending agony.

Once that seemed to subside, it seemed that Tavin was sick with a cold continuously. He is always sick. He’ll finally get well, and a week or so later, he has another cold.

And Tavin is not an easy child. He is strong willed, inquisitive, talkative, and still a restless sleeper who is up before the crack of dawn. There isn’t much down time for us, since Tavin is always running around, jumping from one thought, idea or plan to the next.

So you see, I lost another childhood. I didn’t get to relish in his infancy, or his toddler years (in fact, I don’t remember one thing from when he was two!). And next month he’ll be six already, and I feel as if I lost those six years. I have no idea who this child is half the time. It’s as if he just one day appeared and replaced the baby we once had that left us frazzled, and we’re still a bit shell shocked by this small boy.

And yet, Tavin is also one of the most thoughtful, loving, sensitive boys I’ve ever known. He is kind and generous to a fault! He has the power to make people smile and feel beautiful. And the other day as I explained what a hysterectomy was (because he asked, as he does about everything), he began to cry as he complained that he wanted a sister. He doesn’t want me to have my uterus taken out because he wants a sibling.

“You can always adopt…” Is the next thing people like to say now. Sure, if you have thousands upon thousands of dollars to spend. We’re lucky to pay the rent each month. And now with all of our medical bills, most of our extra money (ha ha!!) will be spent trying to pay that off.

I feel ripped off. I feel gipped. I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I feel like all the joy has been taken from me. I feel like I never had a chance with Tavin. I feel like I missed so much of what most mother’s get to feel with their newborn or toddler. I didn’t get the joy. I didn’t get the fuzzy feeling of being a new mom. I got thrown into the lion’s den with a child that roars from before sunrise to sunset. I’m an exhausted, worn out momma. I don’t smile much. I don’t do much, because my body and mind is so tired. I try so hard to just enjoy the little moments with Tavin, but they usually—most always—turn into a battle and an argument. So I stopped trying. I don’t have the energy…

So I messed up one child because I was reckless and out of control in my younger years, and now I’m messing up another child simply because I’ve exhausted all my resources in trying to make it right. The second chance at being a mommy was taken from me from the day he was born, and now I have no more chances. I just have to live with the fact that I’m just not very good at this.

And that just about destroys me…

Why There are More and More Killing Sprees

Look around you, the world is falling apart, and it’s happening rapidly, too quickly to keep up. So much so, that many of us are even becoming desensitized to the numerous killing sprees that seem to be continually plaguing us.

Before I delve into my theory of why there are more and more killing sprees happening, seemingly one after another, let me first answer one of the most common questions asked by fuming atheists (or non-believers truly seeking clarity): Why does God let these awful things happen?

The world hates God and hates those who serve Him. The media criticizes and lies about Christians, Hollywood mocks us and always represents us as the “evil” hate monger and/or villain, and the government is now concocting brilliant ideas on how to accuse and arrest us—we are the “new and improved” terrorists. God has been taken out of our schools, out of our justice system, out of the Pledge of Allegiance, out of this nation’s history, out of Bible colleges and studies, and more and more churches are even denouncing God’s holy Word and claiming it’s “ancient,” or “archaic.” Christians are turning their backs on God, too. They are conforming to the ways of the world and allowing non-believers to dictate to them  on how to live, behave, and worship.

Romans 1:21-24 says this:

What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand. So God said, in effect, "If that's what you want, that's what you get." (The Message)

When we trade God’s glory for the world’s glory, in essence, we get what we ask for.

And now look around you with your eyes WIDE open: Columbine, Batman movie shooting, Sandy Hook elementary, 9/11, the Boston bombing, the massacre at the Amish schoolhouse, Fort Hood, numerous college campus shootings. This isn’t a gun issue, it’s a HUMAN VALUE issue!

Why is it a human value issue? Consider Kermit Gosnell, the mass murderer of innocent live-birth “abortions”. He brutally butchered living babies who could cry, squeal, wiggle, and FEEL a knife in their spinal cords. But who cares, right? Planned Parenthood knew about it, the government knew about it, State officials and local police knew about it, government health officials knew about it. Women were killed, overdosed, and brutally mutilated. And no. one. cared! No one came to their rescue: the women OR the innocent babies.

To top it off, Girl Scout cookie money funds Planned Parenthood, Susan G. Koman Foundation funds Planned Parenthood, YOUR hard earned money funds Planned Parenthood, and the leader of our country extended a blessing over Planned Parenthood. “God bless you, Planned Parenthood, and your ability to murder innocent children. Many praises for all that you do!” (My paraphrase.) The President won’t comment on Gosnell, but he’ll bless Planned Parenthood.

See, the problem is that we, as a society, no longer value human life. If we can’t find compassion for the thousands of innocent babies that are being aborted each day, how can we find compassion for our fellow man? If we don’t value them at conception, or even at birth, how can we value them as they walk amongst us? If the government says it’s okay to murder these children, why then, would it not be okay to kill them at 5, 10, or 20? And when we have Planned Parenthood higher-ups arguing for post-birth abortions (full term babies born and THEN “aborted” or killed), how can we expect our younger generation to value other children or even adults?

And to make matters worse, our media goes out of their way to hide the Gosnell story, if they’re telling it at all. (Today I asked my local newspaper why they weren't covering the trial and the editor indicated that “a short story” was reported in today’s paper in the Dateline section, meaning, it wasn’t important enough to be front page or even anywhere noticeable…it was buried, but “reported.”) The reason they don’t want to tell the story is because with the Gosnell trial, abortion itself is on trial, the horrifying truth is being revealed and they don’t WANT you to know. They don’t want to end the murdering. They don’t want women to know what abortion really is and the effects it will have on them. THIS IS THE REAL WAR ON WOMEN! The Gosnell trial just isn’t “sexy” enough as the Jodi Arias trial, therefore the media won’t report it. These murderers then become millionaire celebrities after the media glamorizes their trials and lives. Whose life have we valued then? Surely not the victim, but the criminal who TOOK the life. If you want fame and fortune, just go on a killing spree, or kill your 2 year old daughter and go out partying afterwards…and make sure to post it all on Facebook.

Then we glorify celebrities coming out and making “brave” declarations of their sexual preferences, when all the while the gay community admits that their real hope is to dismantle marriage all together. Their real hope is to kill families by forcing a backwards agenda in our schools, forcing young girls to ask other girls for a “lesbian kiss.” We took out God and put in “alternatives”. We took out God and put in Islam. We took out God and brought in anti-Christian bullies. The bullied became the bullies, but from my experience, they were always the bullies to begin with, based on their own muck and mire. No human value there, especially if you disagree with their demands of “tolerance.” This type of mentality is asking for trouble! You are less of a human to them if you are a Christian or believe in the Word of God. YOU are the monster! The world doesn’t value families anymore either, consider the two gay men who were allowed to adopt NINE children and then molested two of the young boys. We are putting children into the enemy’s camp, and we are demoralizing traditional family. Even some predominant pastors, such as Rob Bell, claims:

“Whether it’s a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, a man and a man — and I think the ship has sailed and I think the church needs to just — this is the world we’re living in and we need to affirm people wherever they are.”

He also claims that those who uphold biblical values and morals is a “subculture” that is dying and decaying. So welcome to your new religion, folks! This is the new Jesus the world is DYING for.

This is what we’ve allowed. This is what we wanted. God said, “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get.” Is this what we want? Is this what YOU want or wanted? How many rights need to be taken away from you before you start making a stand? How many babies need to be murdered before we start shouting from the rooftop that THIS is the reason for killing sprees, that THIS is the reason no one values life! That THIS is the reason no one has a conscience anymore, or a heart, or a care in the world. How many children will be forced or bullied into homosexuality by the school system before you demand this nonsense be stopped?

And while a defensive lawyer in an abortion trial can convince the world that a screaming, wailing baby, fighting for its life ISN’T really “living”, then I’d say the problem goes much deeper than a heart issue, it’s a cause for real grief because we WANT to be ignorant. We demand it, and the media and Hollywood spoon feed us the garbage we ache for. We no longer demand truth, we demand whatever feels good or whatever seems more convenient than the truth.

This is how we lose, and they win. We close our eyes and plug our ears as they come after our children from every angle. When a MSNBC commentator declares our children don’t belong to the parents and should have no right to teach OUR values, beliefs, or morals to our children, but rather it is the government’s responsibility, we know we’re in trouble.

Harris-Perry said that “We have to break through our kind of private idea that kids belong to their parents or kids belong to their families and recognize that kids belong to whole communities.”

They will win if you don’t step up to the plate. They will take your kids and brainwash them into believing homosexuality is just another “easy” form of sexuality, that abortion is humane “reproductive choice”, and that believing in God is treason but the Muslim faith is to be respected and honored—even learned extensively by forcing them to read the Koran and practice jihad. (Yes, believe it! It’s happening!!) Who hates abortion, homosexuals, women or African Americans like the Muslims? Yet the media wants us to believe they are a religion of peace and Christians should now be classified as terrorists.

The voice of morals is the voice that is not your own, but that of God’s who makes us step out of our comfort zone and makes life a bit uncomfortable. It’s those things that we don’t WANT to do that matter. The things that go against the grain. And valuing human life, marriage and families IS the will of God, and if you don’t believe that anymore, then you are on the vine that will be snipped from the tree.