My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

For six solid years, my husband and I have been on the front lines of a full-on war with the enemy. If I listed everything we’ve gone through in six years, many people would wonder how we survived and lived to tell the story. And if I told you the story we just encountered over the last few weeks, it would take up several pages of heartache and disappointment.

Just recently we went through a series of assaults, one after another. We have seen very little rest or peace within the last several months. We found ourselves in a constant battle that never seems to end and our faith was on incredibly shaky ground. And that’s probably putting it lightly. Because for me…I was saying goodbye to God forever.

Valentine’s Day was my breaking point. I was already teetering on the edge and was praying desperately for God to let up and let me see His goodness. I prayed, “Please God, I need something to hope for. I need to see Your goodness because I’m losing hope and I’m losing faith. I’m so weak and heartbroken.” No sooner had I prayed this prayer when my husband walked in with more bad news—bad news that left us spiritually and financially bankrupt.

That was the night I said goodbye to God. I convinced myself that it would be so much easier if I just didn’t believe in this “God nonsence” anymore, because if I believed in God anymore, and had to listen to how He’s a “God of love” one more time, I’d have to believe that this God of love despises me! And then I had this thought: If I’m supposed to be in a relationship with God, then I must be in an abusive one, where God is my cruel and tyrannical husband who hates being married to me. These were the only things that made sense to me anymore, and I knew it would be easier for me to just not believe, as most atheists have come to do through their own disappointments and heartaches.

When I discussed this with Jared he said, “I’m beginning to feel like the only book in the Bible that makes any sense or could possibly be real is the Book of Job.”

That night I felt the Holy Spirit leave me, because I demanded to be left alone. And this sudden feeling of despair and darkness encircled me. My heart felt so heavy and cold. And while I was a tad scared about the choice I had made, I didn’t care…well, not until I began to envision my life without Jesus.

I began to see what kind of mother I’d be, what kind of wife I’d become, and what kind of human being I would deteriorate into. The outcome was not pretty. I could already feel myself losing interest in our son, dreading having to be a mother. I could see myself drinking and partying again, and possibly committing adultery. And then I saw myself simply not caring for anyone but myself ever again. My heart was crushed. But what hope did I have anymore?

Jesus was my only hope. And while it may not seem like much at the time, the consequences of giving up that hope were far worse than what we’re facing now. So I gave in and confessed my sin and tried to find hope again.

And then today while my husband and I were sitting in the doctor’s office, he said to me, “The Book of Job is real life. Forget all that other stuff. That’s what life is all about. And even Jesus cried out to God, ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?’” (Mark 15:34)

And then this light went off in my head: Even Jesus—the Son of God, the Savior of all Creation, our only hope and comfort in this world—at that very moment in time, hanging on the cross and bearing our sins, thought His God had forsaken Him.

He knew the Book of Joshua. I’m sure He knew the scripture, “I will never leave you nor forsake you…” And yet, Jesus, God in the flesh, the very Creator of the universe, felt alone and abandoned by God. And then Jared made a very interesting statement: “He didn’t call God His Father at that moment. He called Him, God. It was rare for Jesus not to call God His Father.”

My husband doesn’t fully know how often he ministers to my spirit, but this was one of those moments when peace swept over me and hope found a place back in my heart.

Jesus felt alone on that cross because He was utterly alone. Even God had turned His back on His Son…for a very short period of time. Jesus knows what it’s like to feel hopelessness, even when He knew full well what the outcome would be. But He had a moment. A moment in time when He felt the deepest loss of all—feeling forsaken by His God and separated from His Father. This moment is a defining moment for us, there on the cross where He hung, emptied, torn apart inside and out. It looked like the battle was over and the enemy had won—at least to those standing by on the sidelines. Where had their hope gone at that moment? Who would they now turn to in their times of need? What could they now look forward to? We know. The Bible tells us they were hiding out, afraid for their lives, unsure of what they would become or where they would go.

The night Jesus knew everything was coming to pass, He was scared. He felt alone. He begged for God to save Him from the upcoming misery He’d have to endure. He felt betrayed. He felt helpless, and even possibly hopeless. The God of Hope…feeling hopeless.

But it’s on the cross when He cries out loudly: “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” when we can honestly say Jesus knows our disappointment and pain. It’s that very moment in time where we can find our own hope being restored and renewed, and we know the battle is not lost, but instead we will come out on the other side in absolute victory! But we have to hang on…just as Christ did on the cross that day.

No Formulas

Yesterday we listened to a sermon on love. One of the things the pastor claimed was that if we’ve faced difficult times for a long period of time and we haven’t seen our prayers answered, it’s probably because we aren’t “loving enough.”

Jared and I instantly became heartbroken. We love beyond most other people we know. We live in a racial conflicted neighborhood where most of our neighbors don’t like us because we’re white, but instead of getting angry with them, we instead show them love whenever possible. When people have betrayed us or hurt us and they then found themselves in tough times, it was my husband and I who extended a loving, helpful hand when no one else would.

To tell believers these types of things can bring so much more disappointment than they are already experiencing! Again, Jared brought up Job and I found myself thinking about him and what he went through.

The reason Job was under such immense, intense attack was because he was a righteous man of God. He suffered a great deal of loss and he had no special formula that would get him out of it. In fact, it was his own friends who were trying to convince him that he must have done something wrong in order for God to inflict such horrific pain in his life. But who did God scold in the long run? Was it Job, who was angry and frustrated? Or was it Job’s friends who kept insisting that he “do” something to win God’s favor again?

After the Eternal had spoken these words to Job, He turned and spoke to Eliphaz from Teman. “My anger is burning against you and your two friends because you have not spoken rightly of Me, as My servant Job has” (Job 42:7 the Voice).

Job didn’t sit back and take what was happening to him as punishment for something he did wrong or some rule he couldn’t live up to, despite his friends accusations and advice. Instead, Job kept insisting that he was always in right standing before God and that he didn’t deserve his suffering. While God did put Job in his place, He didn’t deny Job’s quest to find the truth.

We know that God “allowed” those terrible things to happen to Job, but we also know why. God trusted Job enough to handle it. God knew Job could be trusted not to turn his back on Him. And God found him to be honorable.

[Job] was a very good man—his character spotless, his integrity unquestioned. In fact, he so believed in God that he sought to honor Him in all things (Job 1:1).

That’s it. Plain and simple. Job didn’t do something wrong, nor did he not do enough of something good. He was just a godly man of integrity and spotless character.

Job has always been one of the books in the Bible that I least liked, but it’s now becoming the book I need to turn to in terms of redefining my hope and reclaiming who I am in Christ.

God must trust me enough to handle all of this, and I now believe that God finds me to be honorable in His sight (thanks to Jesus!). And I will be like Job, demanding truth and justice for all of our suffering, praying endlessly that God will someday soon restore all that we have lost, too. His Word says He will, and I choose to believe that today.

The Innocence of a Four Year Old’s Panic Attack

He tore down the stairs, panicked! “WHERE’S DADDY?” Tavin cried. “He just left for work, sweetie,” I said. “NO! I DIDN’T GET TO GIVE HIM LOVIN’S OR SAY GOODBYE,” he burst into full blown anxiety.

I ran, full force up the stairs, grabbed my cell phone and dialed Jared’s cell. “Wherever you are, you need to turn around right now and come back home. Tavin is panicked that you left.” Jared said, “I’m turning around now.”

Fortunately he was only two minutes into his hour commute to work. As I headed back downstairs I noticed Tavin’s  blanket lying on our bed next to my pillow. He must have ran into our room from his nap, and frantically watch from our bedroom window, his daddy pull out of the driveway for work. In his four year old panic attack, he left the one thing he NEVER leaves behind: the comfort of his blankie.

I came back downstairs and told him daddy was coming back to tell him goodbye, so he waited patiently at the window in the dining room. When Jared pulled into the driveway Tavin jumped down and ran to the door. As Jared opened the door, the wind whipped snow around behind him, and the two most precious people in my life clung together for dear life. As Tavin’s head rested on Jared’s shoulder, he quietly sighed, “I love you, daddy.”

That’s all he needed. He just HAD to tell daddy he loved him. He was panicking because he didn’t get the opportunity he has every single day to tell his daddy goodbye with tons of love as he heads off to work. That really upset Tavin; this notion that he didn’t tell Jared, “I love you, daddy.” This one day—this rare moment in time—that he couldn’t give daddy lovin’s really hurt Tavin to the core. His tiny little panic attack was so innocent, real and raw.

How many of us don’t even bother showing our loved ones how much we love them for fear of being “innocent, real and raw”? We don’t want to open ourselves up to that kind of vulnerability. We don’t want anyone to see the soft side of who we are.

Because my husband works so far away, there are nights when he’s not home at his normal time (around 2 AM or so) that I begin to panic that I, too, didn’t give him the lovin’s he deserved. And the vision of my life without him sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. When I hear the car pull into the driveway, my heart stops pounding and I fall fast asleep promising to love this man with all my heart and not be so afraid to show him my love. But when the sun rises in the morning, I’m the same selfish, guarded woman I was before I went to bed.

I don’t know why or when we lose that innocence and become so cynical and hands-off. I just know that watching this tiny person give love so freely, often takes my breath away. He doesn’t even think about it. He just gives love without a care in the world, and he’ll give it to anyone willing to accept it…anyone!

When Jesus told his disciples that unless we were childlike we wouldn’t see the kingdom of Heaven, he wasn’t talking about simply being innocent. Jesus was telling us that we need to run into the arms of our Father without any thoughts of being fully and utterly exposed to our own vulnerability. He was telling us that we need to be fully dependent on our Heavenly Father, at all costs. Jesus wants us to love our Father so much, that if we were out of His presence for one second, we would be in a full blown panic attack.

My faith has been on shaky ground the past week. I have teetered on not being so vulnerable with God and putting up my guard against Him. And just in the knick of time, He shows me love beyond my wildest dreams, and I realized that without His love for me, I would be a lost child, aching for my Daddy.

Lord God, I would be lost without You. I never want to feel the anxiety of not having You with me at all times.

But Jesus Hung Out With Sinners

To use the excuse that "Jesus hung out with sinners," is a ridiculous notion that our sin is okay. The tax collector did not continue collecting taxes on anyone, and certainly not on Jesus. The prostitute did not continue selling herself, and certainly NOT to Jesus. Those "sinners" left their sin. While they were not perfect, they gave up their "lifestyles," to follow Christ in His ministry. Do we really believe Jesus in all His "love" would have tolerated and ACCEPTED the prostitute to keep living that lifestyle in FRONT OF HIM?

"It's scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip off the cover of those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ." (Ephesians 5:12-13 MSG)

 
Then consider this: When the rich man came to Jesus and asked him what he had to do to have eternal life, Jesus told him, to paraphrase, "Give up everything..." The rich man couldn't and wouldn't do it. I find this story ironic, because the man became "sad" that he would have to leave his lifestyle behind in order to be saved. The rich man was not willing to leave the worldly and fleshly desires behind as Christ commanded. When we hang onto our sin with justifications and excuses, we are not willing to be true servants of Christ. We want God with conditions, and we want God to accept our sins instead. We don't want the real God, we want a god who will coddle us as the world does, with fancy labels and diagnoses.

Now imagine those sinners continuing their sin while in the camp, so to speak, with Jesus. Fornicating. Soliciting. Lying. Cheating. And now imagine two men making out in  front of Jesus. Is this a scene that anyone truly thinks Jesus would smile upon and applaud? This is blunt, but this is reality. This may be offensive, but the gospel of Jesus Christ will absolutely be offensive to many people. The problem with the church is that they don't want to offend anyone, so they've watered down not only the gospel, but Jesus Christ Himself!

"Is the offense of the cross ceased?” (Galatians 5:11).

Now don’t get me wrong. Jesus still loves us, even when we do sin. But when we make a conscience, deliberate decision to keep sinning by making excuses to continue living in our sin lifestyles, Jesus cannot be near us, and we cannot be near Him. It is a repentant heart that is appealing to Jesus. It is a real surrender of everything that we know to be wrong in our lives and a willingness to let it go that Jesus will honor. That is real grace.

I struggle with sinning in my anger. I know anger is not the sin, however what I possibly do when I’m angry can be sin. I know that if I spank or yell or ridicule my son in anger, I am sinning. I can use the excuse that it’s a knee-jerk reaction, which is it, but I refuse to admit that those behaviors are not wrong. I repent and seek God’s forgiveness, and ask God to help me to do and be better.

The world and their sin is making excuses: “I was born this way. And if God made me this way then it must be okay.” But let’s consider this: I was born a sinner, too, but that doesn't mean I walk around excusing myself and justifying those very sins. God didn’t create me in sin or to live in sin, but we were born “into” it, into a world of sin. We were all born with our own personal sinful nature. I try--desperately--to resist my sinful nature. I don't always win the battle, but I have a God who gives me strength daily to obey Him and love Him from a heart that wants to please Him. His mercy and love surrounds me, but if I merely justify it and continue to sin, then I am spitting in God's face and all of His goodness. We were created to glorify God and live a repentant life, willing to give up our fleshly desires at any cost. 

Grace is not earned, but grace is not a ticket for a free-for-all, either. Grace matters in our lives when we truly seek to be holy. When we are willing to resist temptation and we are willing to walk away from our sinful nature. When we are willing to let God’s Word be our true guide to all the answers we may have, and not try to fudge with Its meaning, instructions, and God’s intentions. When we don’t try to change God to conform to us, but we are willing to conform to Him instead. When we don’t overlook Jesus’ rebuke to the Pharisees and the merchants at the Temple by making Him some “love” crazed hippie who accepts sin BECAUSE of His love for us.

The church should absolutely welcome any and all sinners. But we shouldn’t be ashamed of the gospel by trying to change it to be less offensive. If we do that, then we will not only be leading them down the wrong road, but we will also be held responsible for being their guide. The church was always supposed to be the place where sinners could find hope and forgiveness, a life with Christ. But now the church simply offers loopholes for sin, merely leading them in the opposite direction of repentance and hope.